The Children's Museum of Pittsburgh

The Children's Museum of Pittsburgh turned out to be the highlight of the trip, short of seeing Angelia & Brent.  :)

Aaron loved being a pilot or
enjoying any of the modes of
transportation.

He loved the Smart Car too.

 

Kirsten loved being an airplane pilot as well.

Anything that involves movement
is Kirsten's activity.  This is
how she acquired the nickname,
Bouncer. 

 



Josh initially thought the museum was going to be too "young" for him, but soon found his niche in the building area. 

The finished products, a desk & chair.  Good job Josh!
 

 Aaron was the product tester.  He happily approved of Josh's project.

The big hit of the day was the pipe & pond area.

Aaron & Kirsten donned the little raincoats that they had for the kids. They played & played until it was sadly time to go home.

I felt like Angelia & Alexa bonded on this trip. Alexa thought she was hilarious & would light up every time she saw her just like she does for Josh.  Angelia was so helpful in feeding Alexa which can be the most difficult task we have with her. Thanks Angelia.

Angelia put the little raincoat & "required" blue crocs on the baby & off they went into the water area.

Alexa loves water just like Angelia & both had a fun time.

Afterward, they have wall dryers which they put to good use. 

 The baby thought that was way funny!

Do they look cute with a baby or what?  

Not time for that yet, but I'll be so excited when it is.

Josh & Brent had to join in the fun as well.

My favorite picture & memory of this trip was watching Angelia & Josh together. It's a rarity to see them doing an activity together since Angelia's married, but even at this moment it brings me to tears just seeing the picture. There is no better gift a parent can give a child than a sibling, & I'm so glad they will always have each other.



Yeah Pittsburgh...the car rides!!

The kids & I had a great time in Pittsburgh w/ Angelia & Brent. It was the first time I had driven all four kiddos on a four hour trip by myself.  I was a bit nervous because one never knows how Alexa will be in the car. Needless to say, it wasn't four hours, not even close thanks to a rather long break declared by Alexa.  What  we did discover is to NEVER and I mean NEVER go anywhere without the Black Eyed Peas.  When she would start to get fussy we would put on her favorite song, Boom Boom Pow, and BOOM.....she would stop fussing EVERY TIME.  I added the song as a link. :)  It doesn't have the intro that's on the album which is what silences her immediately but she likes the whole song anyway. I used to really like that song.  After this trip & although so very grateful for the "cure", I can wait a while for listening to it again.  :)  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4m48GqaOz90

Anyway, we had a wonderful time w/ two of my favorite people who are amazing hosts.  Just the times in the car themselves were some of the most entertaining. Angelia loved flying around in our Suburban.  She had never driven one and had a good time "being in charge of the road". It was fun just watching her buzz around that busy city. The last night, Angelia & Brent gave the kids a nice ride to see the skyline. The oohs and aahs from Kirsten & Aaron when they saw all the city lights was really adorable.

  

 It was the funny things the younger ones said that had Josh & I or Angelia & I in utter amazement.  Two of my favorites were:

 "Are we still in Hanover?" (this was after four hours of driving on the way there)

"Probably aliens are walking around right now trying to kill us." (this was after we had just left the Children's Museum.)

I'm excited to add pictures later today or tomorrow. :)  Next time, I think I might take the bus though.  :)

Who knows something about Periventricular Leukomalacia?

If her life has not been difficult enough being born eight weeks early, then just being born to the parents that she was, then put into foster care for three months,  then returned to her parents who juggled her back and forth taking turns with her every other week, and then finally being moved again but thankfully back to us. During all of this Alexa has been plagued with infantile spasms or seizures as they are commonly known. Although her doctor nicely says, "You are responsible for saving this baby," will I ultimately be able to save her? We have had a CT scan, two EEGs with another one on the way, horrific screaming blood tests where usable veins are like finding a needle in a haystack,  a multitude of doctor visits, an upcoming swallow study, weekly therapies, and an MRI. All of the appts. have been at least an hour away with many, many of those appts. including an entire hour of screaming up and back in the car. Thanks to my mom and her sweet singing (I didn't know my mom could sing) Alexa is sometimes comforted.  As we try to minimize the seizures  with a medication that causes vision loss we continue to grasp at straws as the EEGs show no improvement after all this time of taking the medicine. So now the results tell us she has Periventricular Leukomalacia or PVL. This essentially means brain damage which as of yet they have not told me how significant. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that an 8-month-old who can barely hold her head up, won't make eye contact, and sleeps a ton due to exhaustion from seizures, has troubles ahead. So now we wait for her EEG tomorrow and her doctor's appt next week to have some sense of the severity of this. When will this baby's troubles end?

Sooo many people, sooo little time

I miss my blog. I miss it because it really has been a diary for me of sorts and very therapeutic. If one is not writing in their journal they are missing out on documenting the good and bad times. So this is my attempt to get back to something I did not just for myself, but someday for my little people to know how much I thought of them. Update on the family:

Lonnie:
still working part-time at the golf course and still getting unemployment compensation, thank God. While he is home though, he has done an amazing job of helping with all these little people. He has really stepped up to the plate.

Lori:
enjoying every minute of this large family.  I'm also still trying to stay at University of Phoenix. School is barely manageable with the high needs of this family. I lost my 4.0.  :(  Not happy about that, but at least I know I'm capable of it. For now, knowing that is going to have to be enough.  Time just does not allow for that kind of devotion to my schoolwork.

Angelia:
still in Gettysburg for now, but contemplating a move to Pittsburgh this summer. She & Brent were both accepted at schools there but working out all the details is always a challenge. She thrives on a challenge though. We will miss her when she leaves. I love her surprise visits and her yummy Panera lunches!

Josh:
finishing the 5th grade at cyber-school again this year. We love the freedom it provides. Although he is so independent with his schoolwork now, it makes my day to see his face throughout the day. He is RARELY EVER in a bad mood. Amazing kid, really amazing. He's also enjoying baseball again and thinking about football camp this summer. Sports, can't be a Groft without them. :)

Kirsten:
finishing 2nd grade in a special NI classroom (neurologically impaired) this year. She also started Amazing Kids Club this spring (after-school autism group). She loves it. She will be going to AKC camp Mon. - Thurs. this summer. The structure is imperative for Kirsten and she is completely excited about going.

Aaron:
starting Kindergarten in the fall in a NI classroom as well. He is so ready for Kindergarten, and I am excited for him. He also still goes to AKC and will go this summer for camp. His excitement right now though is his "job" with Lonnie. He has been going to the golf course with Lonnie on Friday evenings and helping him cut cups. It has done amazing things for his self-esteem. He talks about it all the time.

Dayton and Davydd:
still here with us and we are enjoying every minute of it. I am guessing though that the boys will go home by mid-summer, not sure of course, but sad all the same. :(  The boys are super smart and so fun to spend time with. Davydd will be walking anytime which brings terror to my mind as he gets into SOOOO much trouble already.

Alexa:
became the biggest challenge for the family this year. Her infantile spasms were finally diagnosed, although the cause is still trying to be uncovered for proper treatment. Each week she goes for tests of one sort or another. She is extremely developmentally delayed for an 8-month-old but we love and cherish her all the same. When she may return home is completely up in the air. Hopefully never if you ask me. :(

As I write all this I am inspired to keep up with it as I did in the past. Wish me luck!

Dear Amy,

Well, thanks once again for a lovely visit at your house. Even with all our kiddos and their noise I find it so relaxing. It serves as almost an escape from some of the mundane chores of home. I love all the sharing and venting we do. I'm sometimes amazed at some of the things I learn about you. It's nice to know that even though we've been sisters forever we still have things to learn about each other.

You have strengths I definitely do not have, and they come from burdens of sadness I didn't know you carried. Interesting....very interesting. The moment I wish for your strengths I realize I would not want the burdens that you acquired to attain the strength. But, that is how strength comes. My burdens have been different than yours, not making one better or worse than others, just different. We experienced some of the same sadnesses such as Dad's death & some other things we spoke of, but we each internalized them in our own way. Our age difference had a part to do with that.

I just have to say that I'm sorry I wasn't the sibling that you needed during those times. I don't remember having the relationship with you that I've worked diligently to nurture amongst my own children. I know I have memory issues, but I 100% know that when Dad left the planet....well, so did I. The loss was so great for each of us in our own way and being a teenager I just wanted to escape from all of you. Seeing us as a family meant that part of the family was missing. I clearly remember Mom pleading with me as a teenager saying, "What is so wrong with us that you don't want to spend time with us?" (so sorry for that pain I caused you Mom. :(   There was nothing wrong with any of you. Being absent meant not being present to the absence of others. Understand? Looking back, I'm just so sorry. I hope my attempts at sisterhood now make up for the sister I wasn't then. I love you Amy. You're more than my sister, your a best friend.

Love, Lori

Dear Angelia,

So sorry you couldn't come for dinner tonight. We missed having you. We always miss you even though you don't know it. You and Brent add a special light when you come and visit. We'll be sad if and when you move on to bigger & better places. It's nice to know you are busy making a life for you & your hubby.

I'm so proud of you & of the big dreams you aspire to. Never let them go Leah, never. Don't settle for less than what you were made for. Keep making plans, making adjustments where necessary, and not accepting excuses from yourself or others for anything less than your best. Always give 110% & leave people and places better than you found them. Remember your gifts. You know what they are. Embrace them and know you are a blessing to those who are lucky enough to get "your call". We all love you Leah!

Love, Mom

Dear Josh, Kirsten, Aaron, & Dayton,

You have no idea how it makes me feel to see all of you almost squabble over who gets to help mommy. When it's time to cook each day you each go scrambling for your stools and run over to the counter to help. To be honest, it's a lot harder to do with all of you at one time. This is one of the reasons why each of you has "your day". On that day you each know it's your turn to be my special helper. Some days though you can't help yourselves & you all want to help. How long this will last I don't know, but I want you to know how much I treasure it and each of you.  Love, Mommy

Dear Alexa

Today I had the precious opportunity to do something for you that typically is the almost coveted right of all parents. When our children are sick we want nothing more than to hold them, care and coddle over them, whisper sweet promises of wellness in their tiny ears, and pray that they heal quickly. Last night your father told me I could bring you home to stay the night. He had already sent you home with me another day this week for a few hours, hours which I worshipped needless to say. I thought he was kidding when he said I could take you home again, but this time to sleep over. :)  He then also told me that you were not feeling well. Needless to say, you definitely were not feeling well, and didn't sleep well, but the pleasure was all mine in caring for you when you needed a parent the most. I pray I have the opportunity again. I love you Alexa.   Love, Mommy Lori

Goodbye for now Miss Alexa

Nine weeks....a lot can happen in nine weeks. One thing certainly can & did happen here in that amount of time. This family fell hard for a tiny angel whose presence pervaded every corner of this house. This little spirit, namely Alexa, will have a place in this home as long as there is a breath left in my body. We will miss her forever, every bit of her:

The sounds of her cries

The smiles she brought to every face who looked upon her

The sweet gentleness of her tiny face as she would nuzzle close

The pure delight she showed during her little baths

Her soft lips as they left their little "kisses" on our cheeks

Those eyes, those giant sapphire blue eyes

The drop to the knees in prayer that Kirsten would do at the very sound that she may be leaving

Watching Aaron sweetly kiss her goodbye every morning before school

Josh's rush to soothe her every cry and wipe every tear

The dent she made in Leah, a girl made of steel

The comfort she brought to a grown man's heart

And for me, the very smell of that sweet baby, the scent of an angel, made my life complete even if for only nine weeks


We love you Miss Alexa. May Heavenly Father watch over you & keep you safe until you return. I know someday you will, even if only for a season. I can feel it deep in my heart.

Our Christmas Activity

I'm one who's big on traditions. This year, many of them took a backseat or the timing of the tradition found or is finding a new spot on the calendar. The reason for this comes in a little bundle named Alexa. We forgot how different things are when one has a baby in the house. I told my kiddos through tears the other day that I was sorry that we just didn't do all the Christmas activities that we normally do, but that this year w/ the baby they just hadn't happened. I told them that our Christmas activity this year was taking care of baby Alexa. I asked each of them if they would rather have done all our normal Christmas activities or would they rather have taken care of Alexa. What some might think would be a natural answer to this question isn't necessarily because in this house "natural or normal" have gone out the window. With their neurological impairments, Kirsten and Aaron don't give you answers based on correctness but only on raw openess because they see things only in black and white. I really wasn't sure what they would say & was nervous because I had been feeling a bit guilty. Thankfully, they all picked Alexa over Christmas activities. That was one of my favorite gifts of the season: knowing that Kirsten & Aaron are learning things of the heart when so often constant teachings about other very simple emotions  or concepts just do not sink in. One more gift, one more gift. Some of the best gifts do not come with wrapping.

Alexa...our newest ray of sunshine

Alexa.

Pretty Girl.

Brutzer.

Katz.

These are the nicknames that this dear tiny baby has already acquired with a story attached to each name.

What joy this new little family member has added to our home. As always, we wish she would stay. For those who just do not understand the mentality of fostering, let me explain. We know reunification is the goal. It is just so difficult to want that when you know the danger this little person is in if they return home. As Kirsten said two nights ago, "Mommy, I'm going to pray really hard that Alexa stays." I couldn't have said it better myself.

When C&Y called us to take Alexa they spoke of a possible adoption. This was on Friday when we picked her up. Then just three days later she was almost returned home. It was a miracle that the judge did not do it. Next Wednesday we will find out whether we have a happy or sad Thanksgiving. Her hearing will be on that day and she may be going  home that same day as well.  :(  I'm desparately trying not to fall in love with her. This is the path that I have chosen. I'm getting adept at loving and letting go.

I never knew about Jesus

Anyone who has a special needs child can understand the joy when their child all of a sudden seems to be on the same planet with you. The moments don't last long, but when they arrive you tuck them safely in your heart with a promise you won't forget them.

Kirsten's been having a hard time at school lately. Her & I had a little chat before bed that turned into a big heart to heart talk. Most of the time she just isn't capable of digging very deep when having a conversation. But tonight she talked about how much she missed Davydd & Dayton & was going to pray they would come back. :( She also shared some very sad memories of some very ugly events that occurred in her natural home. The following statement is one of the reasons I put myself through the pain of foster care. All of a sudden Kirsten says out of the blue with big tears in her eyes, "And we never went to church. I never knew about Jesus till I came here." SOMEONE GRAB THE TISSUES!!! Those sweet words that she utttered with such a clarity and assurance of her new-found friend, Jesus, made all the pain of D & D leaving a little lighter.

No babies are coming :(

Yesterday in sacrament everyone kept making references to miracles. I felt like a miracle was coming too. I don't recall in all the years of my mother fostering and all the time that Lonnie & I have done it any child EVER coming back into our home once they left. We would sometimes find out later that they went back into care, but rarely do foster children return to previous foster homes. It's part of the sadness of foster care. Kirsten & Aaron were in at least 5 -7 different homes before Kirsten turned 5 & Aaron turned 4. What a mess.

Anyway, as I wrote before, D & D's mother wanted the kids put back into foster care with us. We all know that I asked everyone to pray for Heavenly Father's will about the boys. But as the week progressed and we got closer to today (the day the boys were supposed to come), I felt like I could get excited about them coming. Unfortunately, I told Josh they were coming. He has been so excited. I cannot even explain the depth of it. He has been doing a virtual countdown to them coming.

So, yeah, we got the call this morning, the day the boys are to arrive. Their mother changed her mind again. The boys are not coming. To say I am sad would be the understatement of the year. The guilt I am experiencing because I prematurely told Josh can not be understated either. I absolutely hate myself right now. I will never tell him again that tiny people are coming till the case worker pulls up in the driveway. I feel like the worst mother in the entire world not to mention a sad one. :(

I'm asking for all the prayers I can get

The tiny people might be coming back next week and every prayer counts. The case worker called today & said that D & D's mother want her children to go back into foster care but only if they can come back to us. They are going to give her 24 hours to be sure of her decision. WHATT!!!!!!! How much more can we put these tiny people through? Is this for a reality show on how much people can mess up their children???? I know as a foster parent I am supposed to hope for reunification for all the foster children that step into our home. That is almost ALWAYS the goal.But for reasons I will not say here, it was WAY too soon to return these children, but what do I know? What do the caseworkers know? Nothing and nothing. The all mighty judges of this county know best. Yeah right. If that were the case, D & D's mother would never have gotten her children back so prematurely. She desperately needs to work on helping herself before she can even contemplate being good to her children. So...I rarely ask others to pray for or with me, but this is my request. I'm not asking people to pray that the tiny people come back to us. I'm praying that Heavenly Father watches over them & does what is best for them, whatever that is. It is not for me to say. Since the first week the tiny people were here, I put them on the Temple prayer roll. They needed every prayer they could get. Names stay on the prayer roll for two weeks, so every other week I call & put their names on again. Those little guys really left an impression on our family, my siblings, and my parents. My mom told me tonight that every time she looks at my blog & sees their faces she starts to cry. :(When it's Lonnie's turn to say family prayer at night, he still prays for them. Now I'm asking all of you to slip in a couple extra names in your prayers tonight. Every prayer counts & its a great feeling knowing that I have family & friends to call on to ask for this special favor. Some tiny people are counting on you.

I would be lying if I didn't say it would make me happy to have them back. I could never tire of watching any of the sights above.

There are really no words, but I have to say something

My dream of six children ended today. Grief really is the only word to use. The emptiness is surreal. The tiny people left this morning after three short weeks. I have felt sad before, but this, oh this is a whole different animal. I have to write so I never forget them.

I will miss so much.

To Baby Davydd:

I will miss the sight of your beautiful face looking up at me from the crib in the morning.

I will miss the adorable dimples that adorned your chubby cheeks.

I will miss the sound of your infectious laughter.

I will miss watching the delight in your face as you accomplished so much while you were here.

I will miss those big, bright, blue eyes that followed me when I would walk away from you.

I will miss the feel of your tiny fingers clasping mine as you drank your bottle and the warmth of your little body snuggling close to mine.

I will miss the smell of your baby fresh skin after the baths you loved so much.

I will miss the smiles that you brought to the faces of my children when they were with you.

I missed you before you already left.

To little Dayton:

I will miss the sound of your little feet pattering around the house.

I will miss the sight of your gorgeous blue eyes.

I will miss the sweetness of your little voice saying, "Hold me, hold me."

I will miss your constant requests to help me by saying, "Help you, help you?"

I will miss the hugs around the neck & the kisses you blew to me at the doorway each night.

I will miss how quickly you learned how to say prayers and your precious reminders to us if we forgot by yelling, "PRAYER."

I will miss the "I love you" that you said to me at bedtime your last night here.

I will miss the ornery giggling that spread through the house when you played with my children.

I already miss you.

It's 8:54 at night. I wonder if Dayton heard a prayer before bed tonight. I wonder if someone gave him a book to read when they tucked him into bed. And, I wonder...who is feeding the baby? Has someone coldly propped his bottle like all the times before or is someone snuggling him close while feeding him with his fingers tightly grasped around theirs.

Dear Lord, I know this is what you want us to do. I told Josh that we do NOT have to keep doing this if it is too painful. "No Mom, I want little kids in this house," he says. So dear Lord, send us more soon to help heal and soothe this pain. I keep thinking I hear the baby over the monitor and then stop and say to myself, "Oh, they left."

Two happy things - day 19

1. Help. One thing I do not feel comfortable with is when someone wants to help me outside of the people within the walls of my home. I know it's a blessing to help others, and I know we're not to stand in the way when someone wants to help us. We're denying them the blessings of helping someone. Irregardless, I HATE asking for help even when I really need it. My family knows this as well. My mom and siblings offered to help with Josh's family birthday party and it almost killed me to say yes. I completely appreciate help, but always feel I am bothering someone. So, besides my poor mother who gets asked to babysit, I don't feel like I ask for much else. It's usually just a shoulder to lean on that I am looking for. Today though I realized I was out of cold medicine & had a house full of sick kids. What do you do? Take everyone in the store with 103 fevers? No. I knew if I called my mom she would help if she could, but I hated to ask her to come across town just for one thing. She is always helping someone and I just didn't want to ask. She is the guru of helpers (Leah is becoming guru #2 I've noticed). I ended up on the phone discussing some things with my friend, Corky, from church. She says what she ALWAYS says, "Do you need anything?" I felt it was safe to say I desperately needed cold medicine because she was far away at work & couldn't help. :) She quickly announced that her daughter Alicia who lives two streets over would bring me some. I announced it was not necessary & not to trouble her. We chatted further with me hoping all along that Corky forgot her previous offer. Needless to say, Alicia called me just minutes later and said, "Go out on your porch & get your goodie bag." I thanked her & sent Josh out for what I thougth was cold medicine. Ok ladies, want a good friend? Hook up with this girl! She brought me: baby Tylenol, children's Tylenol, adult cold medicine, Pedialyte, soup, crackers, apple juice, ginger ale, tissues, and I 'm probably forgetting something else. WHAT??? Does it get any nicer than that? Anyone want a lesson on how to be a good friend? Take one from her. Thanks a ton Alicia.
2. Kindness. The saying, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree," is appropriate here. I just talked about how helpful Alicia was. Well, later this evening Corky (Alicia's mom) had two piping hot pizzas delivered. The delivery guy (hey Fred!) wouldn't tell me who sent the pizzas. I figured it must be Corky & called her on it. We giggled about it and she told me that really she sent the pizzas to Lonnie. She knew that he was going to watch all the kids himself the next day so I could go away with my siblings and parents to the Apple Harvest. She didn't want him to have to worry about lunch. This was his first time with all five kiddos and with some of them being sick, she knew it might be a bit challenging. AGAIN, how SWEET is that??? Again, need any lessons on sweetness, Corky's your girl. I felt so blessed this day between all these wonderful, helpful acts of love and service. Thanks again Corky.

Two happy things - day 18

1. Pediatricians who listen. Today was the second appointment I've had for Davydd. Thankfully the pediatrician addressed some of the concerns that I have noticed in the short while that he has been here. I think he realized that these tiny people may not be with me long & that his window of opportunity for proper infant care is very small. I would just rather be safe than sorry.



2. The Piano. Our dear old musical instrument we call a piano has not been used much this summer. Josh barely practiced which I said was ok since his teacher said it was ok. Now that school is back in full swing it was time to start banging on the thing. Josh balked at the whole prospect of it, but I refuse to let up. Like it or not, it is part of the school curriculum per mom. Josh's teacher, Miss Pat, said she used to give her mother a terrible time about practicing. Now Pat is the minister of music at her church & is amazing on the piano. I realize that Josh has no interest in having a musical career, but I find it important none the less. So as his athletic boy fingers hit the fragile ivory keys and I hear the music flow through the house, a smile crosses my face. When I look at Josh, a smile has crossed his as well. :) Now...I am looking for some suggestions on great beginner music that I think would really help with Josh's desire to play. Our music is OLD, and I repeat OLD, like from the dark ages old. It's not old, like classical, it's old like out of date and boring. Suggestions would be great!!