I'm asking for all the prayers I can get

The tiny people might be coming back next week and every prayer counts. The case worker called today & said that D & D's mother want her children to go back into foster care but only if they can come back to us. They are going to give her 24 hours to be sure of her decision. WHATT!!!!!!! How much more can we put these tiny people through? Is this for a reality show on how much people can mess up their children???? I know as a foster parent I am supposed to hope for reunification for all the foster children that step into our home. That is almost ALWAYS the goal.But for reasons I will not say here, it was WAY too soon to return these children, but what do I know? What do the caseworkers know? Nothing and nothing. The all mighty judges of this county know best. Yeah right. If that were the case, D & D's mother would never have gotten her children back so prematurely. She desperately needs to work on helping herself before she can even contemplate being good to her children. So...I rarely ask others to pray for or with me, but this is my request. I'm not asking people to pray that the tiny people come back to us. I'm praying that Heavenly Father watches over them & does what is best for them, whatever that is. It is not for me to say. Since the first week the tiny people were here, I put them on the Temple prayer roll. They needed every prayer they could get. Names stay on the prayer roll for two weeks, so every other week I call & put their names on again. Those little guys really left an impression on our family, my siblings, and my parents. My mom told me tonight that every time she looks at my blog & sees their faces she starts to cry. :(When it's Lonnie's turn to say family prayer at night, he still prays for them. Now I'm asking all of you to slip in a couple extra names in your prayers tonight. Every prayer counts & its a great feeling knowing that I have family & friends to call on to ask for this special favor. Some tiny people are counting on you.

I would be lying if I didn't say it would make me happy to have them back. I could never tire of watching any of the sights above.

There are really no words, but I have to say something

My dream of six children ended today. Grief really is the only word to use. The emptiness is surreal. The tiny people left this morning after three short weeks. I have felt sad before, but this, oh this is a whole different animal. I have to write so I never forget them.

I will miss so much.

To Baby Davydd:

I will miss the sight of your beautiful face looking up at me from the crib in the morning.

I will miss the adorable dimples that adorned your chubby cheeks.

I will miss the sound of your infectious laughter.

I will miss watching the delight in your face as you accomplished so much while you were here.

I will miss those big, bright, blue eyes that followed me when I would walk away from you.

I will miss the feel of your tiny fingers clasping mine as you drank your bottle and the warmth of your little body snuggling close to mine.

I will miss the smell of your baby fresh skin after the baths you loved so much.

I will miss the smiles that you brought to the faces of my children when they were with you.

I missed you before you already left.

To little Dayton:

I will miss the sound of your little feet pattering around the house.

I will miss the sight of your gorgeous blue eyes.

I will miss the sweetness of your little voice saying, "Hold me, hold me."

I will miss your constant requests to help me by saying, "Help you, help you?"

I will miss the hugs around the neck & the kisses you blew to me at the doorway each night.

I will miss how quickly you learned how to say prayers and your precious reminders to us if we forgot by yelling, "PRAYER."

I will miss the "I love you" that you said to me at bedtime your last night here.

I will miss the ornery giggling that spread through the house when you played with my children.

I already miss you.

It's 8:54 at night. I wonder if Dayton heard a prayer before bed tonight. I wonder if someone gave him a book to read when they tucked him into bed. And, I wonder...who is feeding the baby? Has someone coldly propped his bottle like all the times before or is someone snuggling him close while feeding him with his fingers tightly grasped around theirs.

Dear Lord, I know this is what you want us to do. I told Josh that we do NOT have to keep doing this if it is too painful. "No Mom, I want little kids in this house," he says. So dear Lord, send us more soon to help heal and soothe this pain. I keep thinking I hear the baby over the monitor and then stop and say to myself, "Oh, they left."

Two happy things - day 19

1. Help. One thing I do not feel comfortable with is when someone wants to help me outside of the people within the walls of my home. I know it's a blessing to help others, and I know we're not to stand in the way when someone wants to help us. We're denying them the blessings of helping someone. Irregardless, I HATE asking for help even when I really need it. My family knows this as well. My mom and siblings offered to help with Josh's family birthday party and it almost killed me to say yes. I completely appreciate help, but always feel I am bothering someone. So, besides my poor mother who gets asked to babysit, I don't feel like I ask for much else. It's usually just a shoulder to lean on that I am looking for. Today though I realized I was out of cold medicine & had a house full of sick kids. What do you do? Take everyone in the store with 103 fevers? No. I knew if I called my mom she would help if she could, but I hated to ask her to come across town just for one thing. She is always helping someone and I just didn't want to ask. She is the guru of helpers (Leah is becoming guru #2 I've noticed). I ended up on the phone discussing some things with my friend, Corky, from church. She says what she ALWAYS says, "Do you need anything?" I felt it was safe to say I desperately needed cold medicine because she was far away at work & couldn't help. :) She quickly announced that her daughter Alicia who lives two streets over would bring me some. I announced it was not necessary & not to trouble her. We chatted further with me hoping all along that Corky forgot her previous offer. Needless to say, Alicia called me just minutes later and said, "Go out on your porch & get your goodie bag." I thanked her & sent Josh out for what I thougth was cold medicine. Ok ladies, want a good friend? Hook up with this girl! She brought me: baby Tylenol, children's Tylenol, adult cold medicine, Pedialyte, soup, crackers, apple juice, ginger ale, tissues, and I 'm probably forgetting something else. WHAT??? Does it get any nicer than that? Anyone want a lesson on how to be a good friend? Take one from her. Thanks a ton Alicia.
2. Kindness. The saying, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree," is appropriate here. I just talked about how helpful Alicia was. Well, later this evening Corky (Alicia's mom) had two piping hot pizzas delivered. The delivery guy (hey Fred!) wouldn't tell me who sent the pizzas. I figured it must be Corky & called her on it. We giggled about it and she told me that really she sent the pizzas to Lonnie. She knew that he was going to watch all the kids himself the next day so I could go away with my siblings and parents to the Apple Harvest. She didn't want him to have to worry about lunch. This was his first time with all five kiddos and with some of them being sick, she knew it might be a bit challenging. AGAIN, how SWEET is that??? Again, need any lessons on sweetness, Corky's your girl. I felt so blessed this day between all these wonderful, helpful acts of love and service. Thanks again Corky.

Two happy things - day 18

1. Pediatricians who listen. Today was the second appointment I've had for Davydd. Thankfully the pediatrician addressed some of the concerns that I have noticed in the short while that he has been here. I think he realized that these tiny people may not be with me long & that his window of opportunity for proper infant care is very small. I would just rather be safe than sorry.



2. The Piano. Our dear old musical instrument we call a piano has not been used much this summer. Josh barely practiced which I said was ok since his teacher said it was ok. Now that school is back in full swing it was time to start banging on the thing. Josh balked at the whole prospect of it, but I refuse to let up. Like it or not, it is part of the school curriculum per mom. Josh's teacher, Miss Pat, said she used to give her mother a terrible time about practicing. Now Pat is the minister of music at her church & is amazing on the piano. I realize that Josh has no interest in having a musical career, but I find it important none the less. So as his athletic boy fingers hit the fragile ivory keys and I hear the music flow through the house, a smile crosses my face. When I look at Josh, a smile has crossed his as well. :) Now...I am looking for some suggestions on great beginner music that I think would really help with Josh's desire to play. Our music is OLD, and I repeat OLD, like from the dark ages old. It's not old, like classical, it's old like out of date and boring. Suggestions would be great!!

Two happy things - day 17

1. Lending friends. My sweet friend Karen is lending me her double stroller to help me transport my tiny people. I am totally psyched about this. I've been looking for one but want to find a great stroller at a great deal. Still looking. Anyway, I am so excited to be able to take them for walks by myself & get out of the house plus have one for the myriad of appts. the foster children have to go on. This is going to be an invaluable item!! Thanks a ton Karen!!!



2. Prayer. I love the feeling that comes when you know Heavenly Father has paid special attention to a particular need that you have. Lately when I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed which ironically is less now that I have more children. (I still don't understand that, but I'll go with it.) Anyway, all of a sudden the most amazing feeling of calmness comes over me like a soft snuggly blanket. It's typically in the evening when the kiddos are starting to unravel before bedtime. I really don't understand it, but I think some things are easier with having more children. Thank you Lord for the feeling of serenity that you send.

Two happy things - day 16

1. Services for special needs children. Because Aaron is on the autism spectrum he qualifies for special services. One of them is Amazing Kids Club (AKC). This is truly an amazing program that I am so grateful for. Aaron goes Monday - Thursday from 8:15 - 11:15, then the school van picks him up there after lunch & takes him to PCC (preschool communication class) from 12 -3 . Between these two programs Aaron is being helped tremendously with his communication and social skills. Having special needs children has been one of the biggest challenges of my life by far. Homeschooling them will never be an option for me. I truly was not made with the patience for that. I can barely get through homework with Kirsten, but that's another story. Anyway, I appreciate all that Pennsylvania offers for special needs children. Not every state is this fortunate and I do NOT take it for granted.




2. Girlfriends. The sight of a beloved girlfriend's face, ah...such a wonderful thing. Today I was blessed with the sight of Maren. We haven't seen each other much lately since school started. Major bummer. :( She stopped in while her boys were at scouts & I was really happy to see her. I have always felt that at least for some of our friends, that Heavenly Father especially picks them out for us and puts them in our path. He knows the blessing we would be to each other and gifts us with one another. Maren is a wealth of knowledge about soooo many things. She is the guru of learning. What she doesn't know she finds out or figures out. It's fun to have smart friends (& a smart sister). But we share a major commonality. We know how each other feels and use each other as a sounding board. It's very helpful and therapeutic to have someone in your life who is actually "living" a part of your life. They totally "get it" when you speak on certain subjects. There is no speculation, just complete understanding. Luv ya Maren.

Two happy things - day 15

1. Low-maintenance sick husband. Ok, so women talk about it all the time. They speak of how their husbands are such babies when they are sick. They think they're dying and such. Well, my dear hubbie has been soooo sick the past few days. He actually stayed home sick from work today which he never does! His motto when sick has always been, "Sweat it out." Anyway, he slept almost the entire day. He was absent from the living room so much I almost forgot he was home. I was a terrible wife at taking care of him with soup, liquids, and meds. I was so busy with everyone else that I feel really bad about forgetting about him. He didn't complain about it, but everyone likes special attention when they do not feel well. Thanks honey for being low-maintenance, but if I had it to do over I would do it differently.
2. Erin. Now that we are with the county children and youth agency instead of a private agency, there are some changes, very pleasant ones at that. One is A LOT LESS PAPERWORK. Yeah!! The other pleasantry is our new caseworker for the tiny people. Her name is Erin, & she is wonderful. She makes no apologies for her devotion to her caseload of kiddos & is such an advocate for them. She has not been burnt out in the system yet & has not become complacent about the unhappy results that often occur when children are returned to their parents WAY TOO EARLY. Way to go Erin! Hope we work her a lot!!!

Two happy things - day 14

1. Peaceful outing. Going places with five kiddos is bringing humor to my life. That's for sure. I have learned soooo much lately. I have learned how to brush my hair & my teeth at the same time. I have learned one loses weight when they forget that meal time includes moms as well as children. I have learned that in order for an outing to be peaceful one needs to have an extra significant block of time attached in order to accommodate diaper changes, unscheduled feedings, baby spit-up, diaper bag packing etc. It's been a long time since I've done this & never with two in diapers at the same time. Anyway, our first outing with everyone was to Josh's football game today. I went extra, extra early & everyone was so well behaved. Ah...what a relief. I was worried how they would all be at a football game, but it went across without a hitch. Praise God for that.



2. TJ & Callie. We went to my sister's house for a family birthday party for my two-year-old nephew, TJ. He is absolutely precious & we had so much fun there. All the kids had a great time! It was nice to see little miss cutie Callie as well. I call her smiley cakes because all she does is smile. What a sweetheart. I love my niece & nephew & LOVE being an aunt.

Two happy things - day 13

1. Early Christmas presents. So we got the new furniture from our in-laws. It was in great shape, & since we decided we wanted it we wanted to know how much they wanted for it. They had planned on selling it & mostly certainly could have. Instead they announced that for Christmas they were not only going to give us the furniture, but today they had someone come and steam clean the furniture & steam clean our living & dining room carpet. What a nice present. It feels so good to have nice clean carpet since the baby is always rolling off the blanket and ending up on the floor. We really, really, REALLY appreciated that gift!
2. Attic treasures. With the arrival of the tiny people I keep making trips up to the attic. It's almost like going shopping but costs nothing! I keep finding things that make having tiny people a bit easier: a walker, high chair, bottles, clothes, blankets, toys etc. But today I found something really neat, a crib mobile. Davydd loves it!

Two happy things - day 12

1. Well-behaved children. Today was my first attempt at taking four boys to Walmart. I was sooooo thinking of my dear friend Maren with her four boys. I was a bit nervous at first, we were in the store for quite a while, and they were champs! (Remember I am the mom who has children who can crash a shopping cart on its side while they ARE IN IT!) The clerk even commented on how well behaved the kids were. She should have been at our house tonight...uh yeah, not quite the same experience. :)
2. Kirsten. As I walked through the kiddos rooms tonight I made a special point of letting Kirsten know how much I appreciate how nice she keeps her room. How I wish my other children could learn from her. Its so peaceful going in her girly little room all pretty & well kept. I don't have that same luck with anyone else.

Two happy things - day 11

1. New friends. I met a really nice woman who is also a foster parent today while I was helping out at Kirsten's school bookswap. She has been through her own "experiences" with this foster care system that truly is a mess (well, really the judges have been around WAY TOO LONG & need to be replaced, but that's another story.) Anyway, I just listened & listened in between helping the kids. It was very comforting to meet someone who really knows the emotional roller coaster foster parenting is.
2. Mallorie. I LOVE my hairdresser. I love my new hair color. Yes, people I color my hair. That's not a secret. The color is not a major change, but the haircut is. I got a mohawk. KIDDING! Anyway, just got a trim but I am enjoying the new color & since I think I found my first gray hair, I will KEEP coloring it.