Alexa...our newest ray of sunshine

Alexa.

Pretty Girl.

Brutzer.

Katz.

These are the nicknames that this dear tiny baby has already acquired with a story attached to each name.

What joy this new little family member has added to our home. As always, we wish she would stay. For those who just do not understand the mentality of fostering, let me explain. We know reunification is the goal. It is just so difficult to want that when you know the danger this little person is in if they return home. As Kirsten said two nights ago, "Mommy, I'm going to pray really hard that Alexa stays." I couldn't have said it better myself.

When C&Y called us to take Alexa they spoke of a possible adoption. This was on Friday when we picked her up. Then just three days later she was almost returned home. It was a miracle that the judge did not do it. Next Wednesday we will find out whether we have a happy or sad Thanksgiving. Her hearing will be on that day and she may be going  home that same day as well.  :(  I'm desparately trying not to fall in love with her. This is the path that I have chosen. I'm getting adept at loving and letting go.

I never knew about Jesus

Anyone who has a special needs child can understand the joy when their child all of a sudden seems to be on the same planet with you. The moments don't last long, but when they arrive you tuck them safely in your heart with a promise you won't forget them.

Kirsten's been having a hard time at school lately. Her & I had a little chat before bed that turned into a big heart to heart talk. Most of the time she just isn't capable of digging very deep when having a conversation. But tonight she talked about how much she missed Davydd & Dayton & was going to pray they would come back. :( She also shared some very sad memories of some very ugly events that occurred in her natural home. The following statement is one of the reasons I put myself through the pain of foster care. All of a sudden Kirsten says out of the blue with big tears in her eyes, "And we never went to church. I never knew about Jesus till I came here." SOMEONE GRAB THE TISSUES!!! Those sweet words that she utttered with such a clarity and assurance of her new-found friend, Jesus, made all the pain of D & D leaving a little lighter.

No babies are coming :(

Yesterday in sacrament everyone kept making references to miracles. I felt like a miracle was coming too. I don't recall in all the years of my mother fostering and all the time that Lonnie & I have done it any child EVER coming back into our home once they left. We would sometimes find out later that they went back into care, but rarely do foster children return to previous foster homes. It's part of the sadness of foster care. Kirsten & Aaron were in at least 5 -7 different homes before Kirsten turned 5 & Aaron turned 4. What a mess.

Anyway, as I wrote before, D & D's mother wanted the kids put back into foster care with us. We all know that I asked everyone to pray for Heavenly Father's will about the boys. But as the week progressed and we got closer to today (the day the boys were supposed to come), I felt like I could get excited about them coming. Unfortunately, I told Josh they were coming. He has been so excited. I cannot even explain the depth of it. He has been doing a virtual countdown to them coming.

So, yeah, we got the call this morning, the day the boys are to arrive. Their mother changed her mind again. The boys are not coming. To say I am sad would be the understatement of the year. The guilt I am experiencing because I prematurely told Josh can not be understated either. I absolutely hate myself right now. I will never tell him again that tiny people are coming till the case worker pulls up in the driveway. I feel like the worst mother in the entire world not to mention a sad one. :(